According to David R. Hawkins, “guilt is commonly used in our society to manipulate and punish, it manifests itself in a variety of expressions and leads to victimhood.”
After the birth of my twins, I found out that my son had a rare genetic disorder. For the first two years of his life, I lived with the feelings of guilt, remorse, self-recrimination and playing the victim. Due to the earlier cultural conditioning and subconscious programming that I was exposed to about gay people going to “hell and being sinners” I had unconsciously held negative beliefs and preceptions about myself as a gay woman. I felt guilty about my son’s disability because the little voice inside my head kept repeating the words you're a sinner, you’re going to burn in hell and it’s your fault that your son needs a feeding tube, heart surgery and will be dependent for the rest of his life.
This was extremely painful and I struggled emotionally since I took on the role of victimhood. I blame myself, the sperm donor, other people and the list goes on and on. I became preoccupied with these thoughts—why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Was it because I was a gay woman? Why is God punishing me? Am I going to burn in hell?
At the time, I did not know that I was being a victim, I thought it was normal to feel this way and to project my feelings and emotions onto others. When I was in that deep slumber of guilt and being a victim, I was unable to see anything else. I did not see that I had an amazing child who chose to be just the way he was, I did not see the many lessons that he was here to teach me about love. Once I woke up from this deep sleep, I realized that he was teaching me to open my ice-cold heart and to see him and others beyond the physical body and to look deep within the heart. I did not realize that he was perfect just the way he was and my job was only to love him unconditionally.
Our culture teaches that guilt is normal and that it’s ok for us to blame others and to be victims. To be free from guilt that causes suffering, I invite you to start examining your beliefs, thoughts and perceptions about guilt. Be still and ask yourself the following two questions: how does being guilty make me feel? How do I want to feel instead?
Self-inquiry is an ongoing process and I invite you on this journey with me. Let's examine our thoughts, perceptions and beliefs about ourselves without judgments.
Peace and Love,